Moving toward the Lighthearted

People who do well on social media are high on their own dopamine.

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People find it easy to be negative online, but the converse is also true, and almost as annoying. Folks disingenuously proclaim love because it’s easy to do and makes them feel popular. In real life we don’t see so many verbal displays of extreme emotion, unless people are very drunk.

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Out of the blue I remembered the phone number for time of day, called it, and now they also give the temperature. This year is off to a great start.

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“My stomach would look flatter if my rear end was more fatter” would be good lyrics to either a country or hip-hop number.

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Stevie Nicks may have climbed a mountain and then turned around but I solved my hemorrhoid problem with flushable wipes.

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I’m going to learn to speak German because it will be an unobtrusive way of keeping my throat clear.

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I worry if a global catastrophe occurs, there will be terrible chaos and people cannibalizing plus everyone‘s cortisol levels will go up.

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Middle-aged celebrity couples with several children who claim they are dying to have another baby are just trying to get people to think they’re still having sex.

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They say your body is a temple, but let’s face it, sometimes it feels like an out house.

or maybe a brick shit house?

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It’s ironic that as you get older, you insult more people, but your own skin gets thinner.

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Has the collective unconscious awakened? Is it talking to itself? Will it ever go back to sleep? Should it have some warm milk and a banana?

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I finally stopped having that terrible nightmare where I show up for a final exam and I haven’t studied, and I think this is because deep down now I no longer give a shit.

Bits of Minefield

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find “safe” topics in stand-up comedy, so I’m going to start making climate change jokes, because either you’re smart and believe in climate change and realize I’m kidding, or you’re a moron and will get upset and I don’t care. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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Polar bears are finally taking long overdue baths. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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At least we never made displaced animals fill out any address change forms. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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Ivanka Trump has a new couture line featuring creations in a hue she’s dubbed “Nuclear Winter White.”

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I don’t understand why more respect is not given to Third Lady Melania Trump.

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Met a new Chinese American comedian who at first I thought was very nice but now I think is a leal reech.

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Stop trying to be so fucking PC all the time. Jesus called them cripples to their faces. Or maybe he only did it behind their backs, which would be technically the earliest form of Christian cattiness.

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I love when middle aged women complain about dryness issues, especially when they drink a lot. I always want to ask them if it at least keeps their hollow leg moist.

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HIM: I’d love to be in a relationship with you but I have too many problems right now.

HER: It’s OK. Just don’t tell me about them.

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Say what you want: despite his lack of eloquence, Donald Trump has not yet uttered any malapropisms. Perhaps he is saving those for when we all really need a laugh.

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Folks saying for years that Hillary Clinton has no sense of humor. Of course she can take a joke! She’s still married to Bill.

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You are given an antibiotic before some dental procedures but I think it’s a good idea to take Motrin before sex.

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Old sluts spread their legs in pre-existing positions.

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When I was young, “Look Ma, no hands!” was something you never heard coming from a Thalidomide kid.

grace-on-way-to-club picture by Helga
Photo credit: Helga Magi