Moving toward the Lighthearted

People who do well on social media are high on their own dopamine.

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People find it easy to be negative online, but the converse is also true, and almost as annoying. Folks disingenuously proclaim love because it’s easy to do and makes them feel popular. In real life we don’t see so many verbal displays of extreme emotion, unless people are very drunk.

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Out of the blue I remembered the phone number for time of day, called it, and now they also give the temperature. This year is off to a great start.

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“My stomach would look flatter if my rear end was more fatter” would be good lyrics to either a country or hip-hop number.

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Stevie Nicks may have climbed a mountain and then turned around but I solved my hemorrhoid problem with flushable wipes.

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I’m going to learn to speak German because it will be an unobtrusive way of keeping my throat clear.

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I worry if a global catastrophe occurs, there will be terrible chaos and people cannibalizing plus everyone‘s cortisol levels will go up.

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Middle-aged celebrity couples with several children who claim they are dying to have another baby are just trying to get people to think they’re still having sex.

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They say your body is a temple, but let’s face it, sometimes it feels like an out house.

or maybe a brick shit house?

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It’s ironic that as you get older, you insult more people, but your own skin gets thinner.

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Has the collective unconscious awakened? Is it talking to itself? Will it ever go back to sleep? Should it have some warm milk and a banana?

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I finally stopped having that terrible nightmare where I show up for a final exam and I haven’t studied, and I think this is because deep down now I no longer give a shit.

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Word clouds and musical messages from dead people

These are the first 16 words that came to mind when thinking of my mother today.

Today would have been my parents’ 60th wedding anniversary.

I still have several messages from my mother on my home answering machine, which I simply cannot erase.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good life.

Give a warm welcome to your next comic

I’ve been fascinated by stand-up comedy for a very long time. As a tweener (a label that didn’t yet exist in the early 70’s), I’d repeatedly listen to George Carlin’s first album, “Take-offs and Put-ons.” I was familiar with the acts of the most prominent comedians of the time, intuitively felt their POVs, and even tried to write jokes tailored for some of them. But because the fax machine had not yet been invented, I was never able to get them to Johnny Carson.

With a mix of existential dread and some seemingly happy moments, I see the world from many angles at once, always attempting to make a salient point or a dirty joke, or best of all, a combination of the two. As a teenager, I saw how artists like Carlin and Richard Pryor could do this. And despite my best efforts to be serious, I have always peppered my speech with premises and punchlines. A natural comedic cadence was there, and I sought consciously to hone it. Humor is a skill I utilized to keep myself emotionally afloat, and also to make other people feel good, which, in turn, enhanced my own sense of well-being. I don’t think I would have given myself permission to be such a consistent wiseass, though, had my life not been touched with early tragedy and sadness. Loss can be turned into a comedic gift.

And so it is with great interest that I observe the many individuals flooding the field of stand up comedy over the past half dozen years. Many reveal the trauma of their lives in their acts, and as a result, we are watching a never-ending soap opera with  thousands of characters in its lineup.  It’s both compelling and overwhelming.

Social media has done a great deal to encourage the flood. I’ve always felt there’s room on the stage for everyone; all acts have something to offer. But with this glut of talent, it’s hard to see the special trees within the forest. It’s like a big, rich porterhouse steak of potential out there, with concentrations of the especially gifted marbled throughout, and those are the tastiest morsels to which most people are drawn.  Whether I am in the lush streaks or in the gristle, I’m going to enjoy the journey without worrying too much about my fat intake.

Pickup lines for the advanced of age

“I have no heirs.”

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“My left nipple is starting to become inverted, and I need someone to help me pull it out. Interested?”

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“I would drive at night for you.”

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“Let me tell ya, girl [cough, cough]… for you, I won’t need Viagra.”

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“If you rear-ended me, we would definitely exchange information.”

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“My drooling for you is not entirely stroke-related!”

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“You’re the kind of gal who makes me want to die with both boots off, but one sock on.”

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“That bodacious bod is giving my heart an arrhythmia.”

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“My oral skills improve exponentially once these dentures come out.”

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I haven’t seen you around here before! Mostly because I am vision impaired.

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I hate boasting but I’m sporting the largest size of Depends.

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Bits of Minefield

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find “safe” topics in stand-up comedy, so I’m going to start making climate change jokes, because either you’re smart and believe in climate change and realize I’m kidding, or you’re a moron and will get upset and I don’t care. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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Polar bears are finally taking long overdue baths. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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At least we never made displaced animals fill out any address change forms. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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Ivanka Trump has a new couture line featuring creations in a hue she’s dubbed “Nuclear Winter White.”

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I don’t understand why more respect is not given to Third Lady Melania Trump.

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Met a new Chinese American comedian who at first I thought was very nice but now I think is a leal reech.

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Stop trying to be so fucking PC all the time. Jesus called them cripples to their faces. Or maybe he only did it behind their backs, which would be technically the earliest form of Christian cattiness.

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I love when middle aged women complain about dryness issues, especially when they drink a lot. I always want to ask them if it at least keeps their hollow leg moist.

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HIM: I’d love to be in a relationship with you but I have too many problems right now.

HER: It’s OK. Just don’t tell me about them.

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Say what you want: despite his lack of eloquence, Donald Trump has not yet uttered any malapropisms. Perhaps he is saving those for when we all really need a laugh.

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Folks saying for years that Hillary Clinton has no sense of humor. Of course she can take a joke! She’s still married to Bill.

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You are given an antibiotic before some dental procedures but I think it’s a good idea to take Motrin before sex.

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Old sluts spread their legs in pre-existing positions.

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When I was young, “Look Ma, no hands!” was something you never heard coming from a Thalidomide kid.

grace-on-way-to-club picture by Helga
Photo credit: Helga Magi