Bits of Minefield

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find “safe” topics in stand-up comedy, so I’m going to start making climate change jokes, because either you’re smart and believe in climate change and realize I’m kidding, or you’re a moron and will get upset and I don’t care. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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Polar bears are finally taking long overdue baths. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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At least we never made displaced animals fill out any address change forms. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

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Ivanka Trump has a new couture line featuring creations in a hue she’s dubbed “Nuclear Winter White.”

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I don’t understand why more respect is not given to Third Lady Melania Trump.

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Met a new Chinese American comedian who at first I thought was very nice but now I think is a leal reech.

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Stop trying to be so fucking PC all the time. Jesus called them cripples to their faces. Or maybe he only did it behind their backs, which would be technically the earliest form of Christian cattiness.

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I love when middle aged women complain about dryness issues, especially when they drink a lot. I always want to ask them if it at least keeps their hollow leg moist.

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HIM: I’d love to be in a relationship with you but I have too many problems right now.

HER: It’s OK. Just don’t tell me about them.

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Say what you want: despite his lack of eloquence, Donald Trump has not yet uttered any malapropisms. Perhaps he is saving those for when we all really need a laugh.

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Folks saying for years that Hillary Clinton has no sense of humor. Of course she can take a joke! She’s still married to Bill.

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You are given an antibiotic before some dental procedures but I think it’s a good idea to take Motrin before sex.

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Old sluts spread their legs in pre-existing positions.

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When I was young, “Look Ma, no hands!” was something you never heard coming from a Thalidomide kid.

grace-on-way-to-club picture by Helga
Photo credit: Helga Magi

Two Major Geezer Peeves

Take note, whippersnappers!

1.  It’s annoying to elderly folks when they’re telling someone a story from their lives, and how a certain historical event was the backdrop, and the person they’re talking to immediately is searching the net on their phone to determine if the dates line up.  Further, the instant lay-librarian is not too shy to tell old Aunt Marge “That didn’t happen to you that year!”  So, not only does the story get derailed and geezers are dehumanized that much more, but it’s also evident this new generation of faux historians has no interest in talking to actual human beings.  I extrapolate this phenomenon to the point where I picture a bunch of old folks on a porch, lined up in rockers with iPhones, arguing over dates important stuff happened in their lives.  “You did not have your hysterectomy the year JFK was killed.  I remember you told me you were so depressed, you got knocked up right after it happened.”

2.  It seems like there are more and more TV commercials that are intentionally made to seem similar to the program being broadcast.  So, old folks sometimes get confused and wonder who these new characters are that suddenly showed up.  And then they’re gone just as suddenly as they arrived.  But no matter:  between the dementia, delirium and the apathetic relatives, old folks are used to people dropping in and out of their lives quickly anyway.

geezer-lady-cell-phone