Bits of Minefield

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find “safe” topics in stand-up comedy, so I’m going to start making climate change jokes, because either you’re smart and believe in climate change and realize I’m kidding, or you’re a moron and will get upset and I don’t care. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Polar bears are finally taking long overdue baths. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least we never made displaced animals fill out any address change forms. #LighterSideOfClimateChange

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ivanka Trump has a new couture line featuring creations in a hue she’s dubbed “Nuclear Winter White.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t understand why more respect is not given to Third Lady Melania Trump.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Met a new Chinese American comedian who at first I thought was very nice but now I think is a leal reech.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stop trying to be so fucking PC all the time. Jesus called them cripples to their faces. Or maybe he only did it behind their backs, which would be technically the earliest form of Christian cattiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love when middle aged women complain about dryness issues, especially when they drink a lot. I always want to ask them if it at least keeps their hollow leg moist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HIM: I’d love to be in a relationship with you but I have too many problems right now.

HER: It’s OK. Just don’t tell me about them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Say what you want: despite his lack of eloquence, Donald Trump has not yet uttered any malapropisms. Perhaps he is saving those for when we all really need a laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Folks saying for years that Hillary Clinton has no sense of humor. Of course she can take a joke! She’s still married to Bill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are given an antibiotic before some dental procedures but I think it’s a good idea to take Motrin before sex.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old sluts spread their legs in pre-existing positions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was young, “Look Ma, no hands!” was something you never heard coming from a Thalidomide kid.

grace-on-way-to-club picture by Helga
Photo credit: Helga Magi
Advertisements